Kamu dapat hidupkah dalam kesepian? Can you live in solitude?
That is the question I have been asking myself for the past few years. Not out of mere curiosity, but as a way of preparing myself to be present, to stand with those I love, no matter what shifts the world may bring.
Peristiwa malang COVID-19 membuatkan saya sedar betapa rapuh sistem kesihatan dunia dan impak terhadap hidup seseorang. Ada yang meninggal, ada yang masih berduka dengan pemergian orang yang mereka sayang, dan ada yang masih mengadaptasi realiti yang tidak pernah dijangka. It happened during my young adult years, waktu saya baru saja mula merasai dunia luar yang tiada batas.
I went from being completely free, not caring about even a grain of what was happening around me, to being stuck for a week in a foreign state because I had travelled alone tanpa ambil tahu berita tentang COVID-19. Walaupun kami ikut semua garis panduan dan peraturan dari pihak kesihatan, keluarga kami masih dijangkiti COVID-19. I had to watch myself and the people around me get sick and sicker after being infected. Mama became so ill that she still has monthly hospital appointments until today. Thanks to the universe, mama is now healthier than ever. It was traumatizing in ways I am not sure I fully understood at the time. The scariest part was the solitude we had to endure after getting infected.
For two weeks, it was just my sister and me in the quarantine centre. Mama was there with us at first, but her condition worsened and she was sent to the ICU for close monitoring. I remember the fear more than the timeline. The exhaustion more than the dates. My sister and I were both sick, tired, and scared. I tried to be the big sister and keep myself together. We played games, bercerita, and mengimbau balik masa-masa kecil kami, sambil tetap berhubung dengan keluarga jauh melalui WhatsApp. Ada masa-masa kami akan menangis tapuk-tapuk atau bersama, tetapi saya tetap kasitahu dia semua akan okay, walaupun saya sendiri tidak pasti apa yang akan jadi.
Di dalam ketakutan dan kerisauan yang kami kongsi, kami jadi semakin rapat. Atau sekurang-kurangnya itu yang saya ingat pada masa itu.
Alike but literally in different font. Memang kami rapat dari kecil. Tetapi walaupun saya setahun lebih tua, kami sangat berbeza. She is more stable with a job, while I have a long record of unemployment. I learned this the hard way, but I do not see it as something bad. Keinginan dan kemahuan kami dalam hidup berbeza. Saya lebih suka gaya hidup yang perlahan dan sederhana, manakala dia ada banyak impian untuk dicapai. Saya masih tercari-cari siapa diri saya, manakala dia sudah pasti siapa dirinya. She has a lot to give, while I have a lot of time to spend. Namun selama dua minggu di pusat kuarantin, kami hanyalah dua orang anak yang takut kehilangan sosok seorang mama.
I realize this postcard is getting longer, and maybe itβs not about COVID-19 anymore.
And now, I feel something shifting again. Not the kind of shift that shakes the world outside. Not the kind that forces your hand. This one is quieter.
I see you building something of your own. A future that stretches further than the two of us. And I am proud of you in ways I do not always know how to say out loud. But I would be lying if I said I am not afraid. Ada ketakutan di sebalik kegembiraan yang saya rasakan untuk kamu. Ada sesuatu yang akan pelan-pelan hilang, dan tiada satu istilah di dunia yang tepat untuk saya ungkapkan sesuatu itu.
Sleeping beauty. You were my first best friend. Before anyone else, it was you. And somewhere along the way, I began depending on you more than I ever admitted. I know I lean on you too much. Saya tahu hidup akan berubah. Mungkin tidak drastik atau sekaligus, tapi ia sedang berubah perlahan-lahan dan tiada siapa boleh hentikannya. And I am scared of what that means.
I am scared of who I become when you are no longer around in the way you used to be. I am scared of what life will look like with less and less of your influence. Deep down, I know many of my decisions have quietly revolved around you, even if I never said it out loud, even if I never fully admitted it to myself. Every time you came to me for advice, I actually learned a lot from you too.
I am happy for you, truly.
And yet, there is another shadow in my chest. I cannot forget the ways life has been unkind to our mama, sakit-sakit dalam yang meninggalkan kesan. COVID-19 mungkin lebih daripada sekadar penyakit yang berjangkit; ia adalah pemberat yang mama pilih untuk galas selama ini. Ia adalah badai bagi sesiapa yang bergelar isteri dan ibu, tetapi berbekalkan doa dan keberanian yang dibawa, mama masih di sini bersama kita. I hope the world treats you more gently, but as you are my only sister, a part of me will always carry that fear, that I will need to stand watch, quietly, always ready to protect you.
And now, I feel something shifting again. Not the kind of shift that weakens us, Not the kind that forces our hand. This one is quieter, whispering inspiration, urging us to keep moving forward.
Unhinged behaviour tapi senyum ciked >.< Sebelum dunia terasa besar, it was just us sisters, kakak dan adik. Sebelum saya tahu betapa rapuh dan rumitnya dunia, saya belajar untuk ketawa bersama kau, everything is small issue until you make it big. Dan bila dunia saya menjadi gelap, kau yang suluhkan cahaya untuk saya lihat dunia dari aspek yang lain. Those times of crisis taught me many things. They taught me that fear can bring people closer. That love can survive exhaustion. That even when we are both sick and unsure, we can still choose to be strong for each other.
Saya jadi berani sebab kehadiran kau di sini, dan mungkin itu yang buat saya rasa takut. Not that you are leaving, but that I have to learn how to stand without leaning so much on you. Because I will have more time to spend, with less of you in it.
If solitude comes again, I hope it does not feel like loss. I hope it feels like growth.
And no matter what happens, I hope you know this:
We may walk our own paths and hold our own beliefs, but I will never stop seeing you as my little sister. Kita mungkin akan memilih jalan hidup masing-masing dan mempunyai pegangan hidup sendiri, tetapi dalam hati saya, kau sentiasa adik saya.
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